Allotment · My other ramblings

Secrets Of An Allotment Slug

Greetings, my name is Doug the Slug and I’m here to tell you a few home truths about slug life. I could have taken a selfie to introduce myself properly, but with all of the top secret inside info I am about to share it could leave me a tad vulnerable to hate mail and so on. I pretty much look like any other slug, though obviously I am more handsome.

I live in a glorious plot which resembles a supermarket for slugs, but They (the big ones who think they are in charge) are trying all sorts to get rid of me and my sluggy pals. Something to do with us eating all of the plants I think? (We think They are downright greedy for not wanting to share their luscious greenery with us.) I love how They left us beer first of all; to be honest after a hard day munching plants a pint is just what us slugs fancy but really, how stupid do They think we are? We’ve seen it all before! Slugs have a reputation for being a bit dim, but there are some bright ones and some not so bright. You may have gathered by now that I am not just one of the clever slugs, I am in fact a criminal mastermind (at least when it comes to plant destroying and avoiding death traps). Anyway, I’ve seen so many of the less experienced slugs fall into the beer trap (literally), never to be seen again. At least they died happy I suppose. Other things They try are crushed eggshells. They’re a bit off putting to some of the more delicate slugs but seriously, They would have to eat A LOT of eggs to protect every plant from us. Some of us like to do dares to see who’s got the toughest belly and compete to get the closest to those plants. Keeps us entertained for a while, so thanks for that!

Another one of those natural things They tried was a grapefruit skin. They even cut out a cute little door. Apparently we are supposed to go in there and make a home. What do they think we are, fairies? Needless to say, that was an epic fail but we all had a good laugh about how stupid They are.

Once They realised that didn’t work They put down these blue things. We call them Blue Poo, They call them slug pellets. They look and smell delicious, like the slug equivalent of fish and chips followed by ice cream. However, I’ve seen what happens to the greedy slugs that give in to temptation and it really isn’t pretty. It’s so hard to resist them though! (I’ve even seen some clever slugs fall for it.) There’s a secret about the Blue Poo that some of Them don’t realise-once it’s rained a lot, they’re useless and about as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Anyway, on to this week’s news. The weather has been perfect for us, damp and warm with plentiful showers every day. One day it rained that much we even had a puddle party. The plants have been growing so well that we’ve been spoiled for choice. They planted some courgettes the other day and they are my absolute favourite. I heard Them saying how they were worried I’d eat them so They covered the ground near them with the Blue Poo. This is where I got clever-I didn’t fancy accidentally eating the Blue Poo, and once it’s done, it’s done, slugs can’t just throw it up you know. However, there was (was is an important word here) a row of beautiful, tender, juicy calabrese left unprotected by egg shells, beer traps or girly grapefruit houses. A whole row! Just for me! They were growing so perfectly and I just casually started munching on a few. I’ve never tasted anything like it. (I left the stems, yuck, too stringy). That’ll teach Them for thinking they can beat me. Once I’d had the best of them I invited the boys and girls over for a bit more of a feast-we were so full we had to roll home. That night was unforgettable, all that was missing was some beer that wasn’t in a buried jam jar! The plot didn’t look too pretty the next morning, all that was left was a row of stems. I’m just biding my time now, one day They’ll forget to put down the Blue Poo by the courgettes and I’ll be there, ready to crawl my way to the delicious leaves. My belly’s sliming just at the thought.

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With so much food on offer I can afford to be fussy about the stems! Spot the ‘Blue Poo’, left over from last week and now about as harmful as a daisy after all of this week’s rain.

As well as all the veg there’s a tonne of weeds growing. I swear they actually appear in the blink of an eye. Here’s a thought for you, have you ever seen a slug eaten weed? No? That’s because they are beyond disgusting. I’d rather lick my own slimy bum than lower myself to eating a dandelion (and yes I know I’m already pretty low thanks to my lack of legs, no need to get personal). They try to get rid of the weeds with a long stick with a sharp end, they call it a hoe. When They get that out it’s definitely time to retreat, a mate of mine got chopped it half once. I think s/he’d have preferred a beer trap to be honest.

That’s probably given enough away for one day about what we slugs think of your pest control methods. Let me just remind you that we’ve been around longer than you, and will probably be here long after you’ve gone. We do admire you for trying to outwit us though, 10 out of 10 for effort. I’d better be going now, there’s a red cabbage with my name written all over it.

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10 thoughts on “Secrets Of An Allotment Slug

  1. At least They can take comfort in the fact that if Doug has eaten that much he is in for a really windy night which will have nothing to do with the weather forecast!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a hazard of his job! Guessing the other slugs will be joining in the windy version of the olympics tonight too. It’s nice for them to add to their repertoire of evening entertainment.

      Liked by 1 person

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